The dust settles

Well.. that was a tumultuous 3 weeks. The emotional turmoil of returning from NYC with a broken heart, to trying to figure out whether to stay at JPMorgan to maximise my chances of getting transferred to NYC (duh!) or move to UBS, getting over the fun, free time and good times in NYC to also getting around to seeing and speaking to Myle after not having spoken for 3 months, I have been completely unproductive at work, very contemplative and really kind of depressed.

1. Broken heart - someone said to me after I got back that something that happens overseas will always affect you more than something locally. Well whatever - it sucked, it hurt, and I was completely unproductive and pretty depressed about it all coming to an end due to various factors completely out of my control, one of which (and not the only one) being distance... I'm now reconciled to the idea that it would have all been way too hard, etc, but it still sucks sh*t. I at least hope we will stay in touch; I have nothing but good memories (looking back, it all seems terribly romantic) of my time spent with her.

2. Changing jobs - following the exit of Di Pilla, Butcher, Kleijn & Motteram, the understanding was that they would need a few good men/women to crunch the numbers.. Upon returning from NYC, compounded with point (1), it was complete agony trying to figure out whether it would be better to go or to stay, given the people i'd be working with there versus the guys I was working with at JPM, what industry group did I want to work in, what experience and skills I would pick up from either firm, the chances I'd get to go offshore with either firm, how it would be perceived in the future if I left after 8 months of work at JPMorgan, how well would I fit in with the guys at UBS, would the atmosphere be as collegial as at JPM amongst the juniors... I am now pretty sure that I have made the right decision (especially following the exit conversations I had with AP and JT). They appeared to have absolutely NO idea what was going on, especially in the minds of the junior resources such as myself and Mr Hawter. I feel bad for Dan Walters, who is a really good guy to work for, but I couldn't base my decision on that...

3. Speaking to Myle. I didn't know what to expect from this.. it was a bit awkward, but it seems to have gone well. Not really the forum to be discussing this in detail, but I hope we can be friends. Possibly after reading this, we never will be...

4. New York hangover - 2 months in New York in which to live it up... for the first four weeks, I definitely made the most of this opportunity - and for the last four weeks, it was different but I would not have done it any differently than I did. When I got back, I missed the going out and hanging with the people that I'd met on the course a lot. It all had to come to an end, but this also contributed to my overall malaise...

I now have four weeks off with which to take stock on life, think about I want from it and how will I approach the next few years. At the moment, I think that:
a) I am going to crank damn hard for the next 2 years, and see if I can get offshore
b) if I do meet the right person, this may all come crashing down
c) given how hard I am likely to be working for the boys, I see point (b) as being very unlikely

I may end up as a life banker; I honestly doubt that I will, given that I enjoy other things far too much, and the simple pursuit of lucre isn't my only motivation (I am not moving to UBS because I'll be getting paid more, put it that way), but we shall have to see how things pan out....